Friday, December 9, 2011

When Your Christmas Season Doesn't Quite Go as Planned...

I feel defeated, like a failure. We've all been sick--10 days of us coughing, sneezing, wheezing over mugs of hot tea and chicken broth. One day running into another, endless blur of just. getting. through. And though I've been sick along with the rest of them, my three sick kids and husband, still this mother's guilt creeps in, setting up camp in my tired and weary soul. Did I do enough? Could I have been more fun? Could I have been...more? There's been T.V. viewing. Lots of it. One hour running into the next just trying to steal a moment's rest. They've eaten horribly. Pop Tarts for breakfast, frozen food dinners, home cooked meal scattered in between whenever I could muster the strength. And I wonder, "Could I have tried harder?" Might I have soothed brows better, cuddled more? Do these three children of mine feel nurtured enough? The claws of perfection dig deep and I'm left reeling. A mother is supposed to give, be selfless, but what happens when the well of giving runs dry, too parched and weary to flow? Will these children feel less loved?


Oh the plans I had-such grand plans! Plans of baking, spying Christmas lights on winding streets, wreath-lit evening devotions, books read cuddled on couch, carol sings. 10 Days gone from this short Advent season of light, love and preparation. But reality falls short of my expectations and I am left deflated from the disappointment of it all.


I can't get this lost time back, so I try to make the most of it. The boys regain more strength and I pull out a Christmas book of activities to do. Voice still gone, I can't yet read or do much of anything, but this, this we can do. We can draw together, color, create.


Light returns to the boy's eyes as antibiotics run their course. They seem excited to be at the table again, focused on the task at hand. Markers poised they excitedly dive in, creating pictures of Christmas cookies and toy shop windows.


Adam, my four year old, runs over to me, so proud of his completed work. "Mommy, I've made mine glow! Come look in the dark with me to see my picture light up!"



We close the door, room gone all black. We look. Out of the dark appears luminous strokes of light. Beautiful simple child's strokes aglow. We stand together, admiring the light of his creation. "Isn't it beautiful Mommy? Don't you love it?" The streaks of light all run together as eyes leak water at this moment of realization, this beautiful simple lesson.



We are not the perfection, we are not the light. We grasp and flail in the dark, trying to find our way, trying so hard to get things just right. And when we feel like we've failed, He illuminates. Grace, this light that shines through the darkness, illuminating the night, renewing and giving us the strength to begin again. And I know, then and there, it is enough. I have done enough. I let this sink in, drinking up this light in the dark. This season of wonder can be enough all on its own, so long as we let Him illuminate. Cookies and carols and packages of gold are just the extras, the icing. But all that we truly need is to feel His love. To be still and wonder at this miracle birth.


We embrace together in the dark, this beautiful boy of mine and me, basking in The Light. Etching this moment in my memory, I've never felt more filled with the light of Christmas than here and now in this moment of simple joy. And in this moment I am made whole again.


52 comments:

  1. He does illuminate. And as Ann Voskamp recently wrote, "God appoints people who do disappoint – to point to a God who never disappoints." This whole post does just that. This was beautiful. It touched my heart!

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    1. Thank you! And I love that Ann quote! So true!

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  2. Oh Erin, what a beautiful post. I love how you said, " I've never felt more filled with the light of Christmas than here and now in this moment of simple joy." It really is those simple joys that we remember most. I hope your family is all feeling better really soon!

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    ค้นหาความคิดเห็นจากเพื่อนเกมเมอร์ ยังเลือกคาสิโนที่มีชื่อเสียงที่สุด บางเว็บไซต์มีการตรวจสอบสถานะและมีฟอรัมสาหรับผู้เล่นจานวนมาก ด้วยวิธีนี้ คุณจะมีความคิดที่ดีขึ้นว่าเกมสล็อตใดเกมหนึ่งยุติธรรมหรือไม่ และคุณควรเดิมพันเท่าไร การเล่นบนเว็บไซต์ที่มีชื่อเสียงย่อมดีกว่าเว็บไซต์ที่มีชื่อเสียงน้อยกว่าเสมอ ในบรรดาตัวเลือกออนไลน์ที่หลากหลาย การเลือกคาสิโนที่มีชื่อเสียงเป็นสิ่งสาคัญ ตรวจสอบให้แน่ใจว่าคาสิโนมีชื่อเสียงที่ยอดเยี่ยมเพื่อหลีกเลี่ยงการหลอกลวง ด้วยการค้นหาโดย Google อย่างรวดเร็ว คุณจะพบบทวิจารณ์คาสิโนที่ให้ผลตอบแทนดีที่สุด บางเว็บไซต์มีฟอรัมที่ผู้เล่นสามารถพูดคุยเกี่ยวกับประสบการณ์ของตนกับคาสิโนได้ เมื่อคุณเลือกคาสิโนออนไลน์ ให้หาข้อมูลก่อนเล่นเสมอ และถ้าคุณมีเวลาลองอ่านรีวิวคาสิโนก่อนเริ่มเล่น สมัครสล็อต ก่อนเล่นเกมสล็อตออนไลน์ คุณควรศึกษาข้อมูลให้ดีเสียก่อน คุณต้องการค้นหาคาสิโนที่ขึ้นชื่อเรื่องความซื่อสัตย์และความน่าเชื่อถือ เป็นความคิดที่ดีที่จะอ่านบทวิจารณ์ของผู้ใช้ในไซต์ต่างๆ แม้ว่าบางเว็บไซต์จะใหม่ แต่บางเว็บไซต์ก็เป็นที่ยอมรับและมีประวัติที่พิสูจน์แล้ว ไม่ต้องกังวลหากคุณสามารถไว้วางใจคาสิโนด้วยเงินของคุณ อันที่จริงแล้ว ไม่มีอะไรสาคัญไปกว่าความสนุกสนานขณะเล่น มีคาสิโนออนไลน์มากมายที่ให้บริการเกมสล็อต และสิ่งสาคัญคือต้องเลือกคาสิโนที่มีชื่อเสียงเพื่อให้แน่ใจว่าคุณมีประสบการณ์ที่ดี คาสิโนที่ดีจะมีการรีวิวจากผู้เล่นจริง และบางแห่งก็จะมีบริการลูกค้าที่พร้อมให้บริการทุกวันตลอด 24 ชั่วโมง คุณควรรู้ว่าคุณกาลังทาอะไรอยู่เมื่อเล่นออนไลน์ คุณจะต้องการเล่นเพื่อความสนุกสนาน แต่คุณไม่ควรถูกล่อลวงให้เสี่ยงเงินของคุณ!

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