How to Find Stillness in a Culture that Tells you to Do More

Awhile back I read an article from the New Yorker called No Time by Elizabeth Kolbert. The article takes an in-depth look at how Americans use their time, suggesting a growing addiction to busyness.  Americans, it seems, feel the need to use up every single minute of their time, without allowing much space in the day for rest.  And, worse than that, people tend to brag about how busy we are, as if all this frenetic over-scheduling gives us a sense of purpose.  We almost feel ashamed of our leisure time, as if we're not important enough without a giant list of activities on our calenders.    What is going on with Americans, and how do we stop this?  This growing trend in busyness is evident by looking through past Christmas letters and cards:


"Researcher, Ann Burnett, has collected five decades’ worth of holiday letters and found that they’ve come to dwell less and less on the blessings of the season and more and more on how jam-packed the previous year has been. Based on this archive, Burnett has concluded that keeping up with the Joneses now means trying to outschedule them."

How sad.  For the past 50 years, Americans have been trading in their precious time of quiet reflection for an over-stuffed calender.  But filling every minute of our lives with activity is not how we're meant to live.  We need stillness. We need true rest.  And I don't mean mindlessly scrolling through emails or binge-watching the latest season on Netflix (although I do love me some Netflix!), but real rest.  Our minds can't keep up this exhausting pace without losing something--like our health, personal development and spiritual growth.  Kolbert addresses the negative effects of this mental preoccupation:


"A lawyer playing with his kids is technically at leisure, but if all the while he’s checking his phone for texts from the office he may feel that he hasn’t had any time off. Schulte terms this the “mental tape-loop phenomenon,” and she argues that it’s sapping our precious energies, so that we can’t even “decide what to think about, worrying about home stuff at work and work stuff at home.'”

So, even when we have time off, we still feel the need to occupy our brains in an energy-reducing way.  But it gets even worse.  This preoccupation with busyness has a snowball effect, as it's fed by an emphasis on consumerism:


"Instead of quitting early, they [Americans] find new things to need." Europeans will further reduce their working hours and become even more skilled at taking time off, while Americans, having become such masterful consumers, will continue to work long hours to buy more stuff."

So, the catch-22 is that more the stuff we convince ourselves we need to enjoy our days off, the less actual leisure time we end up getting, since we need to work more in order to buy more. And, in the end, most of this stuff just ends up weighing us down, and keeping us from what truly fulfills.  Another problem with all of this busyness is that our identities become enmeshed with our work lives.  Our sense of purpose is then based on the quantity and type of work we do:


Work may not set us free, but it lends meaning to our days, and without it we’d be lost.


I think there's a false belief in America, that those who are wealthy, have the most leisure time.  If we close our eyes, it's not hard to imagine the stereotypical sunlit stroll through a golf course and luxurious beach vacations.  But this is often not the reality for those who are well off.  Kolbert states that: "the disproportionately compensated have a disproportionate motive to keep on working. (taking a day off when you're rich means losing a TON of money versus just a few bucks for someone who is poor)."

So, what is the way out of this mess?  How do we effectively reclaim our leisure time and get the real rest we need?  I think there are two simple things we can do to help remedy the addiction to doing:


1) Realize that "needing more stuff" is a myth (The old adage that money does not buy happiness is just as true today as ever!)



2) Make an effort to be truly present and schedule white space into your day


There's a simple exercise you can do to assess what really brings you joy. Jot down a list of some of your best memories--the times when you were most happy.  When you are done, look at your list and see how many of those memories involved a lot of expensive "stuff", or whether they were things you could do for very little money.  Now look to see if the time was a fast-paced jam-packed day, or whether time time felt slow.  Very often some of our best memories are times spent with loved ones in very simple ways--going for walks with Grandma or picnics at the lake.  Nothing rushed, nothing extravagant.  No deadlines looming or texts and emails to send.  Just time lived slowly and lived well.  Time cherished with loved ones.

I encourage you to examine the pace and activity level of your life.  Is there a way to reclaim more leisure time and slow the pace down a bit?  Do you agree with Kolbert's article?  I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Things that are Saving my Life Right Now

Winter has always been my least-favorite season.  It's long.  Its cold.  (Did I mention that it's long?!)  Somewhere around February I yearn for green and living things, in the midst of all of the white and grey swirling around.  I recently read a blog post about making a list of things that are saving your life right now, in the midst of dreary winter.  I loved this idea...similar to gratitude list, but more season-specific.  I figured I'd give it a try and it turned out to be quite long!  This practice was another reminder to me that there are always blessings tucked into difficult and dreary seasons, so long as we keep our eyes open to see them.  So, without further ado, here is my list of some of the "wee little" (I couldn't resist!) things that are saving my life this winter:

Megan catching snowflakes on her tongue :)

1) Trips to the library

The kids and I always look forward to visiting the library, but there is definitely an extra life-saving element to it, when we all have a case of cabin fever.  When we start to feel too stir-crazy, the library promises hours and hours of FREE entertainment.  We shuffle off with empty tote bags in hand and excitedly peruse the shelves for interesting titles.  The kids' moods are instantly improved, as is mine!  When we get back home, we pop some popcorn and dive right into our bags of printed goodness!

Our current "haul" (and I do mean a literal HAUL.  Those totebags get HEAVY!)

2) My slippers

A couple of years ago I picked up this pair of shearling slippers on an after-Christmas sale, and it's been true love ever since.  They keep my feet toasty warm without over-heating or getting all stinky and sweaty, like synthetic materials sometimes do.  They are SO super comfortable...it's hard to take them off when I need to go somewhere!  Which leads me to #3 on my list...

My favorite slippers...well worn and well loved!

3) Boots with wool socks

I've always had low blood pressure, so my hands and feet get cold very easily.  When I need to head out in the snow, I LOVE wearing boots with wool socks to keep me warm and dry!  The boots keep my pant-legs from getting all soggy (the WORST!!) and wool socks keep my oft-icy toes super toasty!  It's *almost* as good as wearing my slippers!


4) Soup

I've always been a soup-aholic, and have even shared a few recipes over the years of my personal favorites.  There's nothing like warming up with a steaming bowl of homemade, healthful soup to cheer up a dreary day!  I love to serve mine in an over-sized mug, while warming my ( icy!) hands on the sides.  This Chicken and Couscous Stew is one of my current favorites. So so good.

Butternut Squash soup--one of my faves!

5) Celebrating "little" holidays

After Christmas and New Years, there is a whole 'lotta winter left, without much celebrating to do.  To help cheer us all up, while waiting for Spring, I like to make a semi-big deal out of the little holidays, including: Chinese New Year, Valentine's Day, Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras and St. Patrick's Day.  We make crafts, we bake tasty treats, we put up decorations and read fun books.  It really helps make the remainder of winter more exciting!

Making "Fai Chun" for Chinese New Year

Our silly Mardi Gras masks we made last year

The "wearing of the green" for St. Paddy's last year. (How did a whole year fly by so fast?!)

6) Trying New Hobbies

Winter is the perfect time of year to dig into some new hobbies.  This winter I'm trying my hand at making homemade wine.  It's a lot of fun!  It's still in process right now (in the "secondary fermenter"), but I hope it will turn out yummy!

Luke's latest hobby is 3D puzzles!

7) Afternoon Tea with Read-Alouds

I love the simple beauty and cheer of gathering around the table every afternoon for a cup of something comforting, a little snack and a great book to read aloud.  Sometimes we make tea, other times it's hot cocoa or even lemonade (usually coffee for me!), but we always have a great book to go with it.  Right now the kids and I are enjoying the American Girl Felicity Series.  I wasn't sure if the boys would get into them, but they like them, too!  We've been reading this book along with the series, which also has great information about life circa 1774.

Sometimes we get fancy and bust out the nice china, but most of the time we keep it pretty simple!

Thank you, library, for helping us keep our sanity this winter!

This is just a small section of my much longer list of things are "saving my life" this winter.  They're just a few of the little things that help brighten my day and fill me with hope and joy.  I'd love to hear some of yours!  If you'd like to share your list or see some others, check out the link over at Modern Mrs. Darcy.

Seeking the Infinite

We live in a society that tells us: "Go get it."  See something you like?  Go get it.  Want a shiny new bobble?  Get  it.  Slimmer body?  Eat this, do that--you've got it. But what society fails to mention, an inconvenient little caveat, is that none of these things brings lasting joy.  Sure, they may feel good for a while--give us a boost, some extra pep, a spring in our step.  But satisfy the deepest longings of our hearts?  Sorry, but--no.  I've been reading a wonderful book this Easter season called Easter Grace: Daily Gospel Reflections.  In it, a passage on the subject of desire states:


"The reality [is] that deep within we are seeking the infinite--that which lasts forever.  Much in our society today is focused on self-interest, encouraging us to do everything for our personal gain and satisfaction.  But part of us, deep inside, will never be completely satisfied with earthly things.... [Only Jesus] satisfies the deepest hungers of our hearts."  (emphasis added.)


This is so true.  When it comes right down to it, aren't we all, in the end, seeking the infinite?  Do those new shoes give you peace deep within your heart?  Does a snazzy career or shedding 20 pounds quiet the ugly, lost, hurting places deep within?  While they may lend some satisfaction and temporary distraction, they never truly satisfy.  Are these evil pursuits?  Certainly not.  We are all called to use our gifts, challenge ourselves and seek to enrich our lives.  But the danger lies in losing the balance between earthly desires and eternal ones.  Once we turn away from God, lost in pursuit of our earthly goals, we are headed into dangerous territory.

There was a time not too long ago that I had begun to lose my "heavenly focus."  So wrapped up in my own little world of earthly desire, I had completely placed my focus on...well, myself.  Rather than consulting God to set my path I got sucked into a world of external desires--longing for "stuff," acting out of pride, and thinking about all of my own wants, rather than focusing on how I might serve others.  Instead of seeing the beauty in all of the things in my present life I got stuck in a downward spiral of:

If only my house were bigger.

If only I had a maid to help with some of this mess.

If only my husband could pick up his dirty socks once in awhile.

If only I could magically press a magic "fast-forward to bed" button on my kids on the hard days.

If only, if only, if only...

Before I knew it, I found I was no longer satisfied with all of the extraordinary graces in my life.  Rather than "seeking the infinite" I was begrudging the present and dreaming of a non-existent future of what could be.  And if we don't get a grip on these desires, the longings just get bigger and hungrier until we reach a place of total dissatisfaction with the present.  We act out of self-interest to the point of even hurting others.  In our focus on what "could be" that we lose the beauty of what is.  And this line of selfish thought can become the devil's playground for a whole host of idols-- be it physical fitness, career aspirations, imbalanced time spent on hobbies, etc. The list goes on and on.


And the truth is, that many of the puffed-up dreams we chase are really just illusions, anyway.  It's easy to convince ourselves that our "rub a lamp and make a wish" life would fulfill our deepest longings, but in the attainment, the reality often falls short.  In an recent interview popular blogger Jennifer Fulwiler talked about her light bulb moment she when, at the pinnacle of her computer programming career, she thought (paraphrased) : "This is it?  This is the dream I chased?  This is really kind of...lame."  (Great interview, by-the-way!  I highly recommend watching!)  And if we, in our "light bulb moments" fail to pray for guidance, the illusions snowball.  And that is a sad place to be--trapped in an illusion. 


It is not in the attainment of personal pursuits that we are truly filled, but in the emptying of self.  We are called to die to self in order to be filled by Christ.  When we serve others in love, when we act on the whisperings of the Holy Spirit, our longing can truly be satisfied.  When we kneel at the foot of the cross in sincere humility, with soft supple hearts, it is only then that we can truly be nourished.  The Lord fills our gaps and empty places with abundance.  But He can only feed us if we acknowledge our hunger for Him.  We need to make space inside of us for Him to fill.

I was at the grocery store the other day and saw an old man struggling with his shopping list.  I was frazzled, just trying to hurry through the rest of the trip with my 3 kids in tow. The man looked troubled as we perused the cheese selections.  Admittedly, (not my finest moment!) I felt a little irritated he was taking up most of the aisle.  It was almost lunch time and this was the very last aisle of the store, so by this time the kids and I had had it.  The man looked at me and asked: "Do you see any more of the cheddar on sale?"  I knew he needed my help.  I felt so torn between my own desire (to be DONE with shopping!) and the nudging I felt to help.  So, I found the cheese he was looking for, and as it turned out, he had also lost his pen.  I paused for a moment holding my purse, knowing that only my favorite pen was inside.  I really didn't want to part with it.  But he needed it.  So, I gave him my pen.  Immediately after I felt so happy I had helped this man--he looked at me with such gratitude, and thanked me so heartily.  Truly, there was nothing better than that moment--of choosing someone else over my own stress and ridiculous pen-loving desire.  I can buy another silly pen, but I'll probably never get another chance to be a blessing to the old man on the cheese aisle.


So as you live through your weeks and months and years, go ahead and make your plans.  Make great resolutions, dream big, reach for the stars.  But all the while, ask the Lord to walk your path with you.  Include Him in those plans of yours, and thank Him for the gifts and graces along the way.  Dream big, but remain humble and open to the path He sets, enjoying the graces of each day.  And allow yourself to be amazed by what the Lord can do when you let Him take the lead.

Do you have any "If onlys" you need to let go of in order to seek the infinite?

The "Winter Blahs"

The holidays are over. The carols have been sung, the gatherings taken place, gifts exchanged. We rejoiced. We "oooed." We "aahhed." We possibly shed some tears of delight. But the season of wonder starts to fade a bit and what we're left with is ...Winter. Lots and lots of Winter. And here in New England lots and lots of winter can be very cold and verrrrrry long. And each year I succumb a bit to what I call the "winter blahs."


The New Year is a time of renewal and excitement. We review the previous year, perhaps establish new goals for the year ahead. But despite all of this I still find myself yearning for the warmth of sunlight on a hot summer day, the carefree days of flip flops and ocean breezes. The days where kids stay outside 'til bedtime finding a new adventures 'round every corner. But the reality of a homeschooler in winter is more like one long lonely stint of rambunctious kids sick of staying inside, weary of routine and well, just plain sick! To say the least the months of January through March are not my favorite.


I'd like to say I'm able to combat these negative thoughts and feelings with heaps of wisdom and fortitude, but to be perfectly honest, I struggle. I have my ups and downs, my good days and bad. This is not to say that every winter I'm a depressed mess who holes up in bed hibernating 'til Spring, but some days that idea doesn't sound too bad! :p (kidding, kidding.)


But I do actually have a point to this rambling post on winter blahs (though I've taken my time getting to it!). My point is this: Happiness isn't about attaining what it is we think we desire, but is about finding joy in life just as it is. We can give ourselves over to dreams of the future, grandiose vacation plans and thoughts of goals brought to fruition, but the way to really embrace life, is to do just that: embrace it. Don't wish it were different, don't wish it away, don't stagnate in wishing. Instead, find ways to relish each moment. Thank God for the gifts of each day--the little delights as well as the big. Even on the greyest most dreary of days when the dishes are piled high in the sink and everyone is cranky and sniffly, there are still moments of joy. There are hugs, good smells, friends just a phone call away. Beautiful everyday moments. If you change your attitude about the present, grace pours in, delighting you in surprising ways.




I recently came across this passage from Homilies for Weekdays by Don Talafous (a great daily resource for those of you who follow the daily Mass readings throughout the year!). It says:


Much of our lives is spent waking up to realizations, learning after the event what its significance was, seeing the value of a moment only when it is past, recognizing the blessing of a human life only when it is over. Again, what all this suggests is that we need more of that wakefulness, alertness, attention to what it is before us of which we've heard so often in Christ's teaching. Think of the many examples there are in our lives of our non-recognition of something or someone very important that was actually a grace. And we kicked against it or experienced only irritation. So many {life circumstances} can bring us God's grace.




So then, might a bad case of the "winter blahs"actually help us grow? Might those doldrums be a blessing in disguise? I believe this to be true be so long as we're intentional about what we do when the blahs strike. Rather than giving in and giving up, try to use them. Try to figure out how you can harness those blahs to seek joy. Seek something new. Dig deeper. Ask for God's grace. Because sometimes in the seasons of seeming stagnation, we're actually growing. Like bulbs we plant in late Fall that seem lost and forgotten beneath layers of snow, lie thick fertile heads just waiting to sprout.

Weekend Reflection: Ordinary Days

photo source

Ordinary Days

Helen Fahrbach

Not all gifts are tied
with festive ribbons,
some arrive on
ordinary days.

A small surprise
of gull's pure flight
can wing a benefit
to the common hour.

As school days resume and we settle into new schedules, we find ourselves in the throws of the ordinary days. The days that don't stand out, the days where things are often predictable and perhaps even a little hum-drum. But even the ordinary days contain gifts. We learn something new, a friend surprises us in some small yet significant way and our spirits are lifted. Take time to find the pleasure in the ordinary days, for each one contains hidden gems so long as we are on the look-out for them.

The Art of Doing Nothing

We were all sick this past week. It was nothing too serious, just your run-of-the-mill head and chest cold. You know, the ones with the stuffy runny drippies, icky wet cough and all of that good stuff. But multiplied times 3 little kids with a sick mom and it added up to a HUGE upheaval of our routine.


It could've been an opportunity to gripe and grumble about how bad things were (and, being perfectly honest, I admit I did give into to that a little bit here and there!). But I decided I wanted to try to handle things differently. On the heels of finishing the book One Thousand Gifts (amazing book! You MUST read it if you haven't already!) I decided to try to make the most of the situation and ride the "sick wave" with grace. I wanted to see the hidden gifts that might be found. To unearth the hidden treasure beneath the, er... mucous-covered surface, so to speak. (Sorry, couldn't resist!)



And what treasure there was to be found.



Now, before I go any further, let me just say that, as a homeschooler, I consider our days to be fairly laid back and unstructured. I stay at home. I don't hurry through a 40+ hour work week. There's no daycare to rush off to, no bus to catch, no meetings to attend. And while we have our routines and lessons to get through, we also have plenty of free time. But what this past week taught me was that, although our family has plenty of unstructured time we don't all sit together and DO NOTHING very often. There's usually a craft to be done, a book to be read, a science experiment to complete, a puzzle to work on. Or even if we're not tackling some group project then usually the boys will play pirates and superheroes while I rush around trying to keep up with the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning and...did I mention the laundry?! This past week was a departure from all of that because none of us had the energy to do any, well...doing.



So, what did we do? We snuggled together. No books (I had laryngitis so I couldn't even read aloud!). No cartoons (well, there were some cartoons, but not a steady diet of them, anyway). No games. And in all that stillness we felt love. In the peaceful quiet togetherness spoke. In the art of doing nothing we allowed God to enter. I felt gratitude for my family, for this amazingly blessed life we have. I felt thankfulness for all the good things in our lives.

my little sick men snuggled on the couch

And as the boys began to regain a little energy they did such wonderful things! Things like catching dust in the sunlight! Making up silly jokes! Sitting around and just enjoying being together. While I laid on the couch they played doctor while I was their patient. And we laughed and laughed and laughed some more. It was the closest I've felt to the kids in a long time, and in all that closeness I also felt God.








This past week opened up my eyes to how you can be physically together as a family, but not fully present--too rushed, too hurried, too preoccupied to just be. In that gift of silence and stillness I noticed things I often overlook, how Luke has gotten taller, Adam has matured, Megan has grown more hair. The little things that are the big things because they touch our hearts. Without the preoccupation of lessons to get through, meals to cook and chores to complete there was this amazing lightness. The kind of rest I desperately needed without even knowing it. And if I had been stuck in my own selfish pity party I wouldn't have seen the amazing gifts this illness brought.



I've often heard it said that Americans are overly driven. We're too goal-oriented--over-looking the joy of the journey. That citizens of other countries are much more adept at unwinding and making the most of their leisure time. And because I stay at home I thought that I was somehow free from all of that "American drive." But maybe, without even realizing it, I am result-oriented. Maybe I am too driven. Driven in my academic goals for the kids, in my own domestic to-do list, too caught up in my worries, doubts and fears. One of the recurring points Ann Voskamp brings up in her book is that "life is not an emergency." And I think this week made me realize that I am too often in "emergency mode." Rushing through the days, living life by the clock, overlooking the moments that can only occur in the slow.



And so I'm making it a point to do nothing more often. To just be. To see what little miracles unfold. To open my eyes to God in our midst. To appreciate grace in all of its incarnations. Always and everywhere.

I invite you to do nothing with me.

"By making out greatest and most important goal the one of productivity we miss out on the ways God's gifts of grace come to us by doing nothing."
-Nora Gallagher



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Works for Me Wednesday

Thought-provoking Thursdays

One Thousand Gifts (part 5)

Inspired by Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts, I've been making my own list of everyday gifts. God gifts. Starting at one and continuing to 1,000 here is my journey of gratitude:



25. Earthy damp smell of Spring--smell of hope and renewal




26. homemade salsa





27. Breath-taking sight of sliver moon against a perfectly black night sky





28. The return of song birds in the morning





29. New green signs of life in garden beds





30. Heaven clouds




...more to come

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Simple Pleasures

One of the things that always restores my soul when I'm feeling over-burdened or stressed is engrossing myself in a simple pleasure of some sort. A simple pleasure can be anything from watching the snow fall to baking your favorite recipe. The activity is different for everyone, but the effect is the same; quieting yourself and allowing God to enter. Arts and crafts is one of my simple pleasures. Losing myself in the creative process helps me find myself. I feel more connected to God, have a sense of renewal and come away feeling...refreshed.


My simple pleasure this week has been cutting this paper fern (which I plan to frame and hang in my bathroom when its finished). I just love the process of intricate snipping, the repetition of navigating twists and turns and watching a form emerge from the canvas of white. It's such a simple task yet powerful in its ability to renew. With each snip and turn my mind wanders and my worries melt away. Sometimes I slip into prayer, other times I find clarity and the weight on my shoulders just doesn't seem quite so heavy anymore. No matter where my simple pleasure takes me, I always come away lighter. Happier.

I encourage you to find yourself in a simple pleasure this week!

One Thousand Gifts (part 4)

Inspired by Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts, I've been making my own list of everyday gifts. God gifts. Starting at one and continuing to 1,000 here is my journey of gratitude:

17. Daughter's tender tentative toddler steps. Bearing witness to this miracle of growth and emergent confidence.


18.Rush of creative energy-joy of composing something from nothing. Fingertips stained red, nails caked from making.


19. Son's child drawing of birds in nest, so perfectly sweet and pure. Carefree innocence preserved on paper.




20. 3 year old pointing out purple-hued clouds at sunset, pulling me out of my hum-drum routine to delight in the beauty of nature together.


21. Ruby tinted fragrant fruit sauce boiling and bubbling on stove top



22. Spontaneous trip with kids to ice cream shop. Thrill of frozen treat on frozen day, contagious excitement.


23. Satisfying feeling of warm yielding yeasty dough between my fingers


24. Waking up to this gorgeous and curious sight...crucifix of the sky, lasting only moments

...more to come

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