As I've mentioned in recent posts, I've gone through some significant life changes over the past several months. Between moving and having a newborn all at once, this past Fall and winter were really difficult. And when things get tough for me, the hobbies and interests I love most fall by the wayside. Things like art, cooking (the "fun" kind, I mean!), gardening, crafts, reading and yes--blogging. These are the things that really keep growing and energized, and in their absence I started feeling really down. Thankfully I'm feeling better now. Life has settled down a bit, and I'm able to reinvest myself. But as I delve back into creative pursuits, I've been assessing which things I should take up again and which I might pull back from, since my free time is so limited.
I started to question whether or not I have meaningful things to write, since most days I feel like my brain resembles a big pile of mush (newborns will do that to you!). Some of the deeper things I love to write take time to flesh out--like deeper faith topics and life lessons. I'm just not a "fast" writer when it comes to the deeper stuff. The insights learned require stillness--something a homeschooling mom with a newborn does not get much of! And there are so many truly gifted writers out there. Writers who inspire, who write consistently, and probably with much greater speed and skill than I. The internet is a pretty big place and I guess I wondered if what this oft-mush-minded mom has to say even matters in the grand scheme of things.
So, I prayed about it. I asked God to illuminate my path--to show me the ways he wants me to invest myself. Should I keep writing, even though it's hard to find the time? Do I have anything meaningful to say? And HE ANSWERED . He answered the very next day. I sat down for my morning prayer and opened my meditation book--the one I've been reading for Easter. This poem was there on the page:
When I Write
when I write
of the joy
of life with God
I think of you
being
for that moment
one with me
then I wonder
why that moment
ever ended
and I long
for when I don't
-Ralph Wright O.S.B.
Right away, I knew this was my answer. It was one of those powerful moments where you truly feel the presence of God right there, swelling in your heart. Those moments that knock you off your feet as your eyes well up. Ok, God wants me to keep writing.
But sometimes God takes things one step further. He kind of clobbers you over the head with His answer, just in case you weren't really listening. (I can be a bit slow sometimes!) So, God gave me an even clearer answer. That very same evening at bedtime, I thought I'd do some reading. I pulled a random book off the shelf to thumb through--a book I've read before and thought would be good to read again. I noticed I'd bookmarked a page several months prior and opening to the marked page, I saw this:
Let It Be Written
Why write?
Why get out pen and pad,
chain oneself to a desk,
wait on the muses,
dwell in solitude
while the rest of the world
frolics to and fro?
Prestige?
Money?
To stem the tide of time?
Why, why write?
The psalmist had a motive:
"Let this be written for ages to come
that a people yet unborn may praise the Lord" (Ps 102:18)
Again the tears started flowing and I knew that, I need to keep writing. Though time is limited and my thoughts a jumble, I will write. I look back on this experience I am still in awe that I would receive such a powerfully crystal clear answer. Feeling completely unworthy of such a gift, I'm so thankful for this grace in my life.
So, if you find yourself in a spiritual dry spell, questioning if God hears your prayers, know that HE IS THERE. He hears every single word. Each struggle, each plea, each whisper and outcry for grace and mercy, He hears them all. When the right time, He will guide you in His own wonderfully unique way. He only asks that you place your trust in Him.
Trust just happens to be my word for 2013. The word I chose to fully embrace, in the midst of change and transition. Trusting in His guidance I continue on my path. writing along the way.
